“What’s wrong with her?” Jess stood behind Lily and listened to the retching noises from the hall bathroom.
Lily rested her chin on top of her hands. “Jimmy talked her into eating lunch.”
“Did he cook?”
“It was just a sandwich.” Lily shook her head. “She didn’t even eat the whole thing, just a couple bites.”
Jess frowned. That couldn’t be a good sign. Lindsay had hardly eaten at all for the past two weeks, and now that she had eaten something substantial, she was throwing it up. Sasha kept saying she was going to ‘waste away in front of them’, and Jess had to agree.
The therapist at the hospital had warned them that an extreme change in appetite was normal, but Jess still worried. She was already skin and bones, the girl couldn’t afford to lose any more weight. She was so small and fragile these days, sometimes she was more like a child than Lily was.
Jess hated that.
He hated seeing her like this. Gone was the bouncy creature that had dragged him to Pacific Park. In her place was a frail girl who slept fourteen hours a day.
It was terrifying to watch.
Jess heard the shower turn on and sighed. She also showered at least twice a day. It was as if she was trying to wash away all the bad memories.
If that were possible he’d never get out of the shower.
***
The only time Lindsay allowed herself to cry was in the shower. There, she could pretend her tears were just the water spraying on her body, pretend she wasn’t that sad. She wasn’t.
She wasn’t.
The doctors said it wasn’t unusual to not remember the attack. She didn’t. Instead she simply remembered the feel of his hands on her arms, on her thighs. Every time she closed her eyes she could feel them.
The sensation left her feeling soiled and unclean. She couldn’t get clean enough. She scraped at her arms with soap and her fingernails until she noticed her arms turning pink.
She still wasn’t clean, she still hadn’t washed the feeling of his hands off of her body. Nothing seemed to work. No matter how long she showered, she still felt dirty.
Lindsay looked down and spotted a brillo pad in the corner of the shower. Sasha must have used it to clean the bathroom yesterday. On an impulse, she grabbed it and scrubbed her thighs. The top layer of skin came off, but she felt better afterwards.
For awhile she actually felt clean.
***
Jess was sitting on the couch, watching a late night talk show when Sasha got home. He looked up as she walked into the room.
“Where’s Lindsay?”
“Asleep.” He sighed. She’d gone to bed at eight. “All she ate at dinner was a green bean.”
Sasha nodded. “Nothing else?”
“I asked her if she wanted a piece of bread and she burst into tears.”
“That’s good.”
“Good!” Jess exploded, leaping to his feet. “She sobbed hysterically for an hour over a piece of bread and you think that’s a good thing?!” He stared at her incredulously.
Sasha sat down on the couch and patted the cushion beside her. Jess reluctantly sat down next to her.
“When I was in college, I met a guy named Andy,” she began, taking a deep breath before she continued. “He was… amazing. Incredibly handsome, hysterically funny, everyone loved him and he liked me. I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world.
“One night, he was visiting me at my dorm when my roommate got a phone call from her boss. He needed her to come into work immediately. Her car wasn’t working right, so Andy offered to drive her.”
She paused, and Jess remained silent, unsure of where she was going with this story.
“An hour later, her boss called wanting to know why she didn’t show up. I got frantic, called her parents, and her mother told me that she’d been raped the night before.
“I wasn’t stupid, I knew who it must have been. I was devastated. Not only had I just lost my boyfriend, but now I was losing my roommate and closest friend. I figured I would never see her again, but a week later, she returned to the dorm and went back to her classes.
“I thought for sure she’d never want to speak to me again, because Andy had been my friend, my boyfriend, and I’d let him in. But she wasn’t. Instead she clung to me during the first few months after her attack.”
Jess swallowed. His guilt over what had happened at Astrid’s party couldn’t be any worse than what Sasha had gone through. That jerk had been her boyfriend, and he’d raped her best friend.
“Lindsay needs you. And she needs to express her emotions. Don’t try and stop her from doing that. She trusts you enough to allow you to see her cry. Use that. Help her.”
“Help her how?”
Sasha smiled and patted his hand. “You’re a smart kid. You’ll figure it out.”
***
Jess couldn’t sleep.
It was almost three A.M., and he couldn’t fall asleep. With a sigh, Jess heaved his body up off the couch, kicking aside the thin blanket that his legs were tangled in. He rested his head in his hands. Every time he closed his eyes…
He kept seeing them. Every man he’d seen at that stupid party. He kept seeing their faces in his head, wondering which one had been the one. The one who slipped two tablets in her drink. The one who took her into the bedroom.
The one who hurt Lindsay.
It was driving him insane, and he couldn’t even begin to think what it was doing to her.
He heard a small noise coming from down the hallway. Silently, he stood up and crept to Lily’s door, to make sure she wasn’t under the covers with a flashlight again. If she kept that up, she’d never get any sleep.
Lily’s door was open, and there were no lights on. He heard the noise again, and realized it was coming from the guest room, where Lindsay was sleeping. He strode across the hall and nudged her door open.
Lindsay was tangled in her covers, twisting and turning as if she were trying to get away from someone. “No,” she mumbled. “No, don’t. Please!”
Jess knelt beside the bed. “Lindsay,” he whispered softly. “Wake up.” He reached over to gently shake her shoulder and she lashed out at him.
“No! Don’t touch me!” she exclaimed, clawing at him with her hands.
“Shhh,” he whispered, gathering her in his arms. “It’s okay. It’s me, Jess. You were having a bad dream.”
Lindsay raised her head and opened her eyes slowly. “Jess?”
He nodded.
She sank back into the covers and rolled over. Jess stood up and walked towards the door.
“Jess?”
He turned around. “Yeah?”
Lindsay remained facing the wall. “Would you stay until I fall asleep?”